Category Archives: Entertainment

‘Weren’t You The Ones Who Just Bought All The Sodding Beans? You selfish gits!’ – The Stockpiler Song!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified, 

There was no loo roll down at Aldi, and I nearly cried. 

Oh, I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong, 

I used to wipe, and now I’m forced to just drip dry!

No anti-bac

No bloody soap

and if you think you’re buying pasta well, you’ve got no bloody hope!

I would have bought that box of eggs; I would have rationed out my bread,

If I’d have known for just one second, everyone would lose their head!

Go on now go, walk out the door!

All you bloody stockpilers, 

You are not welcome any more! 

Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans? 

You selfish gits!

I hope you spill them down your jeans!

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!

Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,

Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,

This will not bring me to my knees

And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey!

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,

There was just apples and one carrot in my shopping cart,

And I spent hours walking around just feeling sorry for myself,

The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor

And you’ll see me, somebody who, 

Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you.

And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git.

Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t!

Go on now go, walk out the door!

All you bloody stockpilers, 

You are not welcome any more! 

Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes

Can’t you make a crumble,

Do you people not know how to bake?

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!

Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,

Though I can’t buy my usual cheese

This will not bring me to my knees

And I’ll survive, I will survive !!

There’s A Reason Why Your Mate Always Farts When You Go Climbing Together

Have you ever been in a situation where you and your friend, colleague or family member decide to go for a walk up a steep hill only to be overcome by a sudden rush of butt wind? If you enjoy the great outdoors, then you will probably have some experience of this. 

Or maybe you work in a job that requires you to ascend to a great height suddenly, and you have always wondered why your backside starts to chirp like a canary. 

If you are a keen camper, then you probably also have some experience of this windy issue, and you might have been left wondering what the problem might be. 

Well, this fluctuance often occurs when climbing or ascending to high altitudes owing to a rapid drop in atmospheric pressure. 

So really, you won’t have any control over how much wind you let lose because it is all down to atmospherics. So next time you and your friends go for a climb, then you can blame your wind issue on atmospherics.  

At least now you won’t have to keep blaming the noises on those pesky Rocky Mountain Barking Spiders. 

Magaluf Strip Ordered To Close Owing To ‘Out Of Control’ Holiday Makers

The Spanish authorities have announced that the infamous Magaluf strip is to close until at least Sept ’20 because of the drunken behaviour of ‘out of control’ tourists. 

Over the past couple of weeks, videos which have been uploaded to social media show boozed-up tourists jumping on cars, chanting in the street and causing general mayhem – while not wearing any face masks. 

Tourism Minister Iago Negueruela said that the Punta Ballena area would remain closed as a result of the bad behaviour shown by visitors to the Majorcan party town.

For years now, Magaluf has been a popular destination for young tourists who are looking for a ‘no frills’ approach to getting hammered and partying. 

I have been there myself and fully embraced the ‘magaluf experience’ before I got married and had kids. 

But Iago said that the country ‘cannot tolerate’ the antics of the boozed-up revellers who have been causing mayhem in the town. 

Angered by their behaviour, local Spaniards have been recording the ‘out of control’ party-goers before uploading the footage to social media in a bid to show the world what they have to contend with. 

Iago said: 

“I think it’s a sufficiently clear message to those practising the type of tourism of excess we don’t want here, that they shouldn’t come because those types of establishments are not going to be able to open.

“If those holidaymakers go to other areas, and if there are businesses that promote that type of clientele, they will also be closed, and they will also be prohibited.

“We will not hesitate a single second when it comes to doing everything we need to, to guarantee the health security of our citizens and our economic reactivation.

“We are a safe destination. 

“The vast majority of our citizens, business leaders and holidaymakers, who are making a great effort, do not deserve the sort of images we have seen over the past few days and they do not deserve those types of holidaymakers and those types of businessmen.”

So where are holidaymakers, who are looking for the ‘magaluf experience’, going to head to now? 

We are already halfway through summer, and the holiday options are starting to decrease as hotspots like Magaluf decide that the drunken behaviour of visitors is just not worth subjecting their citizens to. 

Ibiza could be an option, but since the average cost of a drink in an Ibiza superclub (from experience) is around 20 Euros, you might need to raid the bank of mum and dad before heading out there…

Let us know what you think in the comments below! 

What ‘Going To The Pub’ Might Look Like In The Weeks (Or Months) Ahead

Who remembers what it was like to go down the pub and have a few drinks with your mates without having to worry about them infringing your two-metre exclusion zone? 

If you are like me and have a terrible short-term memory, then you would have forgotten the pleasure that can be had when talking absolute rubbish with your mates over a pint. 

But now, we are starting to get a glimpse of what pubs might look like when they eventually begin to open. 

One of the largest chains of pubs, Wetherspoons, has given the beer-loving world a look at what ‘going down the pub’ could look like. 

The chain has said that: “Social distancing measures will result in the employment of two full-time staff per pub, slightly more for bigger pubs, who will regularly clean surfaces and touchpoints throughout the pubs”.

So waiting times at the bar could go up, assuming that a decent number of people are allowed in the pub in the first place…

The company has said that it will re-open its 875 pubs across the UK and Republic of Ireland when ‘it has the official go-ahead from the relevant governments’. 

Could this be in June? Unlikely… Most people seem to think that the hospitality sector will start to re-open again in July…

A spokesperson for Wetherspoons said that: “It has undertaken extensive employee consultation and has also consulted with many of its suppliers and contractors, as well as referring to UK Hospitality guidelines to draw up its plans” before re-opening its various ‘watering holes’. 

But many people have already developed a nervousness about being around other people, knowing that the ‘invisible enemy’ is out there, hiding on surfaces and in other peoples respiratory tracts. 

The pub chain has said that it will have screens in front of its tills. But not along the entire bars. 

So if you have COVID-19 and you cough or sneeze at the bartender as they are serving you, then the bartender should get some protection from your droplets of snot and spit.

But what about if you are leaning over the bar deciding on what flavour crisps to have, away from the till, when a tirade of wet sneezes suddenly overcomes you? 

The chain has also said that they will put screens up in their pubs to create seating areas where it is not possible to separate the tables to the social distancing requirement. 

So I guess that means that if a group of single lads meet a group of single lasses, then they either won’t be able to hear the lads chat-up lines (which could be a good thing) or everyone else in the pub will be able to hear them. 

So, for now, at least, singletons will probably have to rely on the likes of Tinder for meeting potential partners…

Wetherspoons has also said that it will be providing gloves, masks and protective eyewear for their staff. But they added that ’employees can elect to wear them or not, subject to government guidelines. 

But can you imagine some poor sod having to wear all that PPE in the middle of a roasting hot pub in the peak summer months!? 

There will also be an average ten hand sanitiser dispensers around Wetherspoons pubs, including at the entrance for customers and staff to use.

When they say ‘use’, they mean to use on your hands rather than drinking the 70% proof alcohol gels (to clarify). 

Every Wetherspoons employee will also need to complete and sign a ‘daily health assessment questionnaire’ to confirm that they are fit to work. 

This will include having their temperature taken using a digital thermometer.

They will also have dedicate staff who will monitor the comings-and-goings in the pub to maintain social distancing standards. There will also be a member of staff on the door at peak times to supervise the social distancing rules. 

Let’s hope that there aren’t loads of pub brawls started by people who get tanked up after the lockdown, because if there are, then all of these social distancing measures will be a complete waste of time. 

The pub chain has also said that there will be separate entry and exit points to their pubs (where possible). 

A spokesperson added: 

“Each pub will have a member of staff working full time (two or more staff per pub to cover all opening hours) to sanitise all the contact points during opening hours.

“These will include door handles, allergen information screens, card payment machines and handrails.

“Customers will be asked to use the Wetherspoon order and pay app, wherever possible, or pay at the bar using a credit/debit card and contactless, although cash will be accepted.

“Staff will hand over all drinks holding the base of the glass, and when ordered by the app, they will be delivered to the table on a tray and placed on the table using the base of the glass.

“Food will be delivered to the table by a member of floor staff”.

But what do you think? Will you feel comfortable visiting a Wetherspoons pub with these measures in place? 

Let us know in the comments below.

Stay At Home I Want To Go To Oktoberfest’ | But Will The Popular Event Be Cancelled?

September might seem like a long way off. But when the world is in lockdown, and you have been looking forward to the annual festival that is ‘Oktoberfest’ then time will go quickly as one week merges into the next. 

The Oktoberfest is the world’s largest Volksfest. 

It is a yearly event that is held in Munich, Bavaria, Germany. The festival itself goes on for 18 days. So that’s 18 days of drinking and eating sausages. 

Each year, around 6 million thirsty revellers head to Oktoberfest, making it one of the biggest (if not the biggest) festivals in Europe. 

But unless we can get control of COVID-19, then Oktoberfest will undoubtedly become another one of the significant annual events that gets cancelled.

The planned start date for Oktoberfest this year is scheduled for the 19th of September. 

But will it go ahead? 

This is what Wiesn boss Clemens Baumgärtner, head of the department for work and economy, says:

“The question moves us all, of course. Of course, as the organizer of the Wiesn, together with all our partners, I would like to see that there is no need to cancel. 

“Therefore, we want to monitor the situation until the last possible moment before an irreversible decision is made. 

“That will be in June at the latest,” says Baumgärtner. “That is why we are continuing to plan the Wiesn as usual. However, it is still too early for a binding assessment today.”

Baumgärtner continued: “Of course the decision will be made with the greatest possible responsibility. In the end, it will largely depend on what the medical experts advise and what health policy and safety regulations will be issued by the federal government and the Free State.”

So if you are one of the 6 million people expected at this years event, you have got an even greater motivation to stay indoors during the global lockdown! 

Hopefully, we will see you out there! But do you think it will be cancelled? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.

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