Category Archives: Bored At Work

How To Pretend You Are Working When Really You Are Not

As we all start to head back to work, many of us are finding that we have gotten used to being furloughed where we basically get paid for doing next to nothing. 

It might have only taken a few days to get used to being furloughed, but it is going to take a hell of a lot longer to get used to being at back work again. 

When you do return to work, then you will probably find yourself starting to zone out, or starting to browse through your Amazon Prime video library as you sit on the toilet at work (for hours at a time). 

But fear not, my friends, as you are not alone. 

Tens-of-thousands of workers are in the same situation as you. And we want to help. 

Our suggestion is simple: 

Buy yourself some discrete in-ear headphones (assuming you are allowed to have them at work). 

And then sign up for an AudioBook service (Like Amazon’s Audible) and then ‘hey presto’ – you get to feel like you are at home when really, you are at work! 

If you have been doing your job for a few years and you know it like the back of your hand, then you can ‘work’ while listening to your favourite book! 

This suggestion has been bought to you by our ‘life hack’ team who have tried this very technique (I am listening to an audiobook as I type and none of my colleagues are even aware of it – my boss thinks that I am just waiting for my next call) 

New Website Tells You How Much Toilet Paper You Actually Need And How Long It Will Last

As herds of sheep-like hoarders continue to stockpile millions of rolls of toilet paper for reasons which even they do not understand, a website has just pooped up that should help to ease the anxiety people are feeling regarding loo roll that is leading them to panic buy; just because other people are.

Many of us who have not lost their common sense are wondering why people are still panic buying despite there being no indication whatsoever that: a) the shops are going to shut b) we are going to run out of food.

Of course, there are those despicable and greedy individuals who have panic bought items just so that they can sell them back to their fellow citizens at an inflated price.

We will have to hope that karma finds such individuals when the time is right.

But if you really are not sure how long your supply of loo roll will last, then a handy calculator has emerged that should enlighten you somewhat.

According to the website, with my four remaining rolls of toilet paper, then I should be ok for the next 48 days based on me going for a poop once a day.

The site tells me that this covers 114% of my quarantine period.

If you are one of the weirdos who has stockpiled toilet paper in every cupboard in your house, then, assuming that you eat well and only take a dump once a day, then your supply of 200 rolls should last you 3200 days.

With this in mind, if you do happen to have 200 loo rolls hidden away, then why not share them out with people who have none?

You know; the people you deprived the opportunity of buying enough toilet roll to get them through the week, let alone through the next EIGHT YEARS – because that’s how long your 200 loo rolls are going to last!

Now all we need is a website that does the same thing for the people who have panic bought billions of tonnes of pasta, pasta sauce, rice and other everyday items which will still be around for the foreseeable future.

When this is all over, then I would like to buy the person who made this site a beer.

If you want to visit the ‘loo roll calculator’ then visit: howmuchtoiletpaper.com/

BEFORE YOU GO – don’t forget to follow our Facebook page by clicking on this handy link! 

If you spot anything funny, engaging, strange, newsworthy or bizarre on social media which you think our team might be interested in (like the content in this article), then don’t forget to share it in our Strange Things Spotted On Social Media’ Facebook group by clicking here

Some Joker Is Posting ‘Fake Shark’ Warning Signs In Co Down. And It’s Actually Quite Funny

Some mysterious ‘public information signs’ have been spotted around Co Down and they are causing quite a stir as residents try to guess who is behind them. 

Included in one of the signs is the following message:

“Sharks are spotted on a daily basis by a team of dedicated, if short-sighted, volunteers. Except on Tuesday when they attend indoor bowls – we just make the figures upon Tuesdays. 

“Some of the really big sharks are actually quite friendly and can engage in polite conversation. 

“Should you happen to encounter one on this beach remain calm and make small talk.

“If the shark becomes aggressive try to steer the conversation towards less confrontational topics (Brexit, which has enraged the local elasmobranch community, should be avoided at all costs). 

“never lend a shark money. You’ll be unlikely to get it back”. 

One of the fake signs, located in Ballyholme beach, North Down, appears to have been put together by the ‘Department of Agriculture and Rural Affairs’. 

A second sign with the ‘Ards and North Down Borough Council’ logo warns: 

“Racists, bigots, jugglers, yoga teachers and anyone called Brian, philanderers and anyone who steals workplace stationery are all banned from this area.”

Whoever the mysterious person responsible for these signs is, they are putting in quite a bit of effort as the signs look ‘real’. 

A spokesperson for the council told BelfastLive: 

“Council was advised about this signage by members of the public over the weekend. 

“The signs were not put up by the council.

“While we can appreciate some of the humour, we will remove them as they are covering signage the council is required to display. 

“We would ask those responsible not to repost the signs.”

At least the council seems to have seen the funny side of it. 

CLICK HERE to follow ‘Daily Dits’ on Facebook for more bizarre, funny and entertaining stories (as well as the occasional serious stuff) 

What It’s REALLY Like To Be British

If you can relate to more than 80% of these, then it is fair to say that you are indeed, British:

Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of coke and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right.”

Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best.

Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit.

Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand.

Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

The massive sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector.

The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh, I’m getting that train too.”

“Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands.

Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again.

Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested, but you are too polite to say or do anything about it

Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right.”

Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot.

Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

“You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit.

Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

“I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house.”

Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one.’

Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings, and you can hang up

Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again.

Can you think of any more? let us know in the comments below! And also get in contact with us via our Facebook page if you can come up with a ‘What It’s Like To Be…’ for any other nationalities! 

CLICK HERE to follow ‘Daily Dits’ on Facebook for more bizarre, funny and entertaining stories (as well as the occasional serious stuff) 

Seven Mood Swings Which Show You Definitely Need A Holiday

We usually rely on our best and most trusted friends at work to tell us that we need a holiday. 

It is usually first thing in the morning when your work friend hasn’t seen you for a couple of days, and the first thing they say to you is: “Wow! You look like you could do with a holiday”.

Most of us tend to reply with: ‘I need a pay rise first lol’, and then the whole encounter is just laughed off. 

But what seven consistent moods should you be on the lookout for as an indicator that you really do need a holiday? 

We asked that very question to a group of our followers earlier on today, and the seven moods which they came up were:

  1. You continuously need a coffee
  2. You are always hungry, even after you have just eaten your lunch
  3. You continuously need sleep, and even when you wake up, you feel like you went to bed only ten minutes ago
  4. You are craving for wine. Even at 8 am. 
  5. You start hallucinating about being on the beach. Each time you see an advert for a holiday, or you look up and see a plane, and you immediately start picturing yourself sitting on a sun lounger with a cocktail
  6. You need a cuddle from a stranger. Just to confirm that you are still alive. 
  7. You try to work out the cost of a taser, some duct tape, some rope and a shovel.

So if you regularly experience any of these thoughts, or if you know anyone who does, then, chances are, you/they need a holiday ASAP. 

To be honest, if you hear anyone talking about number 7, then you might want to tell their boss as they clearly need some time off from work. Urgently.

What other mood swings usually indicate that you need a holiday? let us know in the comments below

CLICK HERE to follow ‘Daily Dits’ on Facebook for more bizarre, funny and entertaining stories (as well as the occasional serious stuff) 

Introducing The Locker Team-Building Exercise/Game!

When you have finished your shift, then it is always good to have five minutes of downtime just to unwind and take in the days events. 

Or, before you start your shift, then it is also a good idea to spend a few minutes bonding with your colleagues before you take on whatever the next 12 hours (if you are lucky) are going to throw your way. 

One of our followers has come up with a great way of ticking both boxes; by utilising a team-building ‘locker game’. 

To be honest, I have got no idea about what the rules etc. are. 

But basically, you and your oppos could hide in a locker, and then your fellow comrades have to try and guess which locker you are in. 

The locker game; not good if you don’t like small spaces or if you are taller than 4ft

A word of warning: the chances of you becoming stuck in the locker or being locked in (permanently) by your colleagues are pretty high, so we would urge that you exercise some caution and use bags of common sense. 

The last thing you want is for the fire service to be called out to try and free you from your kit locker. 

It won’t look good on your PDR, and you could end up developing an irrational fear of small spaces (not functional if you are a HART paramedic!) 

Feel free to give it a go and let us know the results by commenting below. 

Of course, we take no responsibility for the outcome should you decide to play this risky game! 

But if you do manage to squeeze into your work locker and you just happen to film you, colleague, as they open the locker as they jump out of their skin once they spot you, then feel free to send the footage into us.

Or if you have any other ideas for ‘team-building exercises’ then let us know in the comments below. 

CLICK HERE to follow ‘Daily Dits’ on Facebook for more bizarre, funny and entertaining stories (as well as the occasional serious stuff)