DailyDits

We each have our own fantasy’s when it comes to sexual liaisons. 

But if you have ever become turned on at the idea of someone breaking into your house armed with machetes, then it would appear that you are not alone (if you live in Australia).

One such male hired two men to break into his house, armed with machetes, so that they could then tie him up. Once tied up, then the plan was for the two masked men to stroke the ‘victim’ with a broom. 

By this stage, you might think that this article is ‘fake news’ but, alas, my friends, it is not. I will add the link to the original article at the bottom of this page. 

Anyway, back to the bizarre story…

So, according to the client’s wishes, the two masked men broke into what they thought was the correct address. And, to be fair, it was the address which they had been given by the ‘client’. 

But it turned out that their ‘intelligence’ was not up-to-date, as they ended up breaking into the ‘wrong’ house.

Can you just imagine being the unfortunate victim of this sexual-fantasy-gone-wrong? 

One minute you are sat watching repeats of ‘Neighbours’, eating your Vegemite sandwiches, the next minute you are being tied up by two machete-wielding masked men who want to tickle you with a frigging broom! 

The two masked bandits ended up getting arrested after the genuine victim managed to call for help. 

The peculiar role-play had been arranged via social media. The male ‘client’ who wanted to be tickled by the two masked men lives near Griffith, New South Wales. 

He provided his address to the two men who were to break in with machetes, but he forgot to tell them about the fact that he was due imminently to move house.  

So technically, the masked men had got the ‘right’ address – but just the wrong time. 

A lawyer for Terrence Leroy, one of the accused, said: 

“It was a commercial agreement to tie up and stroke a semi-naked man in his underpants with a broom. Entry was not with intent to intimidate.”

When the two males realised their error, it is reported that they shook the victim’s hand and apologised for the misunderstanding before leaving to track down their punter. 

The judge who was presiding over the case managed to look at the sequence of bizarre events with a broad and open mind. 

“They carried the machetes either as a prop or something to use in that fantasy,” he said. “The fantasy was unscripted, and there was discretion as to how it would be carried out.”

The judge ruled that evidence did not suggest the men’s actions were intentional.

After the two men left the victims house, they made contact with the client and promptly made their way to his new address. 

But the ‘client’ himself was not entirely happy with the weapons which they were ‘packing’, and so he asked them to leave the weapons in their car. 

One the ‘act’ had been completed, the happy client cooked the masked duo some noodles, eggs and bacon before they sat around and had a chat about the encounter. 

But the real victim in all of this had already called the cops and the police ended up intercepting the duo at the client’s address. 

There are some stories which you really could not make up. And this is one of them. 

Fair play to the BBC for spotting this hoofing example of just how peculiar some of us are. 

I am reasonably sure that thousands of Met Police officers will be rejoicing at the news of the fact that the Notting Hill Carnival has been cancelled this year.

For years now, overstretched and overworked police officers have had to forfeit their August Bank Holiday weekend to police an event that many feel has become too big for the streets of London. 

During my own time in the Met Police, I policed Notting Hill Carnival quite a few times. 

The atmosphere is always quite lovely when it begins. But then as the booze starts to flow and London’s street gangs head to the carnival, the atmosphere always changes. 

Ask a Met Police officer who has policed the event about how ugly things can turn on the Monday evening.

Each year, dozens of cops are assaulted, some seriously, as they try to police what has become Europe’s largest street festival. 

During 2019’s NHC, a woman had her lip almost bitten off by a male who just came up to her and decided to bite her face. 

You often get groups of lads just running through the crowds, punching anyone (police or not) who they feel like it. I have seen it with my own two eyes. 

Of course, it is not just the Notting Hill carnival that results in police officers being assaulted. But for some reason, the severity and the sheer number of police officers who do get attacked while trying to police the Notting Hill Carnival is just ridiculous. 

So I am happy that my former oppos in the Met Police will, this year at least, get to spend the August Bank Holiday with their loved ones rather than with some individuals who love to hurt them. 

Let us know what you think in the comments below!

I never really used to buy my groceries online before the lockdown but, like many other people, I try to buy as much as I can now with my various online shopping accounts.

Things had been going quite well, and I was quite impressed with how quickly my regular supplier could ship stuff to me just before it went out of date.

I must admit though, that I am not overly impressed with the ‘find a replacement’ option if my local store has run out of goods which I am trying to buy.

For example, ordering condoms but getting balloons was particularly disappointing.

But imagine ordering a bottle of your favourite tipple only to find that the supermarket who you ordered it from, forgot to take the security tag off the top of the bottle!

And not just any security tag. A security tag that prevents you from drinking your liquid gold.

If I had a ninja sword, then I could slice the top clean off.

But if, like me, you do not own such a sword, then how the heck are you supposed to get to the much-needed booze!?

This message is intended for members of the emergency services who happen to be approached by ‘professional bystanders’ who want to film them because they are DARING to eat some food whilst on duty. Most of us have seen the images and videos which have been recorded by professional bystanders which show our life-saving heroes answering their body’s call to nature by eating whilst on duty.

Earlier this year, we shared an article regarding an incident whereby a professional bystander approached three Met Police cops who DARED to eat various items which did not constitute part of their ‘five-a-day’. The person filming the encounter made himself look like a complete twonk. Not that he cared.

We won’t name who the professional bystander was, because he really wants you to follow him on YouTube and he wants you to watch more of his boring videos because he gets paid for the adverts which are shown in his weird videos. All you need to know, is that he is the sort of individual who, when confronted with the sight of someone who is in mortal danger, would run the other way.

But, off the back of the article, we wanted to share a message with the amazing men and women who dedicate their lives to serving their community; The heroes who serve in the emergency services. And the message is a relatively simple one; If you are in uniform and a professional bystander approaches you armed with their mobile phone/camera that is being pointed directly at you as they film, then just ignore them.

The moment you interact with a professional bystander who is filming you, then you have given them exactly what they need; footage of you reacting to them. If these professional bystanders try and upload footage to social media of you ignoring them, then the footage won’t be as popular, and it won’t get as many views.

And that is what motivates these professional bystanders to film you; views. The more views they get, then the more adverts they can cram into their videos which show you ‘biting’ on trap which they are laying for you. So when these ‘individuals’ approach you with their cameras in the ‘prone’ position, in the hope that you will engage with them, don’t say anything!

Just ignore them. Tell them that you will only speak to them once they stop filming you. And then just tell them to foxtrot oscar. This hardcore element of professional bystanders need to be given the attention they deserve; None. It is a bit like the attention seeking colleague who works on your team or in your office; if you give them no attention, then they lose.

So next time you are enjoying a coffee and a bit of cheeky cake and you get approached by a professional bystander who is demanding to know why you are keeping your body alive by feeding it, then ignore them until they put their camera away. And then just laugh at them as they walk off. Their pride will be dented enough so they think twice about making a twonk of themselves again.