Author Archives: John Johnson

Most Frequently Said Things Whilst Working In An Emergency Ambulance

Have you ever wondered what the most frequent things said in an emergency ambulance are? 

Then wonder no more! 

To be honest, the following could apply to most emergency vehicles and not just an ambulance:

  • Coffee
  • Why was that a CAT 1?
  • It’s come from 111
  • We need fuel 
  • I don’t think there was anything wrong with them
  • Getac has f**king frozen, again!
  • Have we got a charging cable? 
  • Which way is it taking us? 
  • What a complete waste of time
  • Oh, for f**ks sake
  • If we get stood down for break now, we are f**ked later on
  • Can I have a Haribo? 
  • Pass my juice, its in the door
  • Reckon we have got one more job after this one
  • I’m dying for a p*ss
  • I really do not want to be off late again today
  • Have you finalised it? 
  • We could do with a job right now
  • They better not send us to *input far away town or city* tonight
  • I swear I have been here before
  • I recognise that name
  • Well, this is going to be bull***t
  • I bet they have their coat on and overnight bag in hand waiting for us by the front door

So there we have it—some of the most frequent things commonly uttered in an emergency ambulance. 

These are just the clean ones. 

We could not include the rude ones…

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Fancy A Walk? Could This Be The Worlds Longest Walking Trail?

worlds longest walk

If you enjoy a good walk, then keep reading; you won’t be disappointed. 

Even if you don’t enjoy long walks, then keep reading because if you want a challenge, this could be a lifetime challenge! 

The longest path in the world to walk is from Cape Town in South Africa to Magadan in Russia. 

You won’t need to board an aircraft during the walk, and you won’t need to jump on any boats as there are bridges where the land meets the sea. 

In total, you will be walking around 22,387 miles. 

It will take you about 4,492 hours to cover this distance. 

So that is 187 days of walking non-stop (you probably won’t make it without any sleep!), so that’s 561 days if you walk for eight hours each day. 

You will pass through 17 countries, six time zones along the route, and experience all of the years seasons. 

If you do try, then make sure to let us know how you get on. Just make sure you buy yourself some decent walking boots.

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Things For Veterans Consider Whilst Adjusting To Civvy Street

1. Speech:

•Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred; it is not 0530 or 1400. It is 5:30 am or 2 in the afternoon.

•Words like “pit”, and “PT” will get you weird looks; use bed, workout, get used to it.

• “F uck” cannot be used to replace whatever word you can’t think of right now. Try “um” instead.

• It’s a phone, not a radio, conversations on the phone do not end in “Roger That” or “Out”.

2. Style:

•Do not put creases in your jeans.

•Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.

•Do not refer to your suits numerically; your best jacket and trousers are not your number 1’s

3. Women:

•Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal. Neither are 6-month marriages, even if it is your first.

•Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make “financial sense”. 

Personal accomplishments:

•In the real world, being able to do lots of press-ups will not lead to an automatic promotion or help your career in any way.

•How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.

4. Drinking:

•NATO is an organisation, not the way you want your tea made

•In the real world, being drunk before 5 pm will get you a written warning (or sacked), not a pat on the back from your boss.

•Shouting “Naked Bar” at your works Christmas party will have no effect.

•That time you drank a bottle of Absinth and shat in your pal’s pit is not a conversation starter.

•That time you went to the combat lifesaver school and practised giving vodka iv’s will probably not impress a civilian.

5. Bodily functions:

•Farting on your co-workers and then laughing hysterically while you walk away may be viewed as “unprofessional”.

•The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny regardless of how big it was, how much it burned, how much it smelled….. or how clear the photo is.

•VD will also not be funny.

The human body:

•Most people will not want to hear about or see your balls. Odd as that may seem, it’s true.

•If your arse is sore, don’t ask your colleague on the next desk if he can see what’s wrong with it.

6. Spending habits:

•One day, you will have to pay for the things that keep you alive; heat, light, shelter, food, doctor, etc, etc

•Buying a £30,000 car on a £16,000 a year salary is a really, really stupid idea.

7. Interacting with civilians:

•Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being a ‘leftie’ will not make you popular in the neighbourhood.

8. Real jobs:

•They really can fire you. On the flip side you really can quit.

•Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal. Remember they really can quit too. And taking naps at work will not be acceptable.

•Sport is no longer part of your working week. Wednesday afternoons are for work, just like every other afternoon

9. The Law:

•Your civvy boss, unlike your C/O, can’t save you and probably won’t. In fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after he finds out you’ve been arrested.

•Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you arrested and/or fired, not yelled at.

10. General knowledge:

•You can in fact really say what you think about the Royal Family in public places.

•Pain is not weakness leaving the body. It’s just pain.

•They won’t wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are. Be polite.

•You no longer have to go to the POL point; just go to the BP garage like everyone else


11. Read the contracts before you sign them – remember what happened the first time…!!! 

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Spoof WhatsApp ‘Group Chat’ Between Police & Government Is Doing The Rounds

A spoof WhatsApp chat between ‘the police’ and the ‘Government’ is currently doing the rounds amongst policing circles.

The WhatsApp ‘group’, called ‘Policing Covid Restrictions’, is supposed to represent a hypothetical ‘chat’ between Government officials and the ‘police’ regarding how the government want and expect law enforcement personnel to police the raft of Covid restrictions that have been put in place to help kerb the pandemic.

And although the ‘chat’ is a spoof, it gives us some idea about how the policing community feel they are being treated by the very people who come up with the rules in the first place.

‘Bus’ and ‘thrown under’ springs to mind.

The police have recently been at the brunt of heavy criticism regarding how they have policed various gatherings over the last year, many of which, under restrictions which were put in place by Parliament, have been unlawful.

But the ‘chat’ below gives us some idea concerning the impossible situation that the police have been put in regarding how everyone outside of the policing community wants and expects them to enforce the restrictions put in place by our politicians.

Here’s the ‘chat’:

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This ‘Scamwich’ Sums Up What Most Big Corporations Think Of Us Right Now

Imagine parting with a few quid for a ‘cheese sandwich’ to find that the food you have just purchased has hardly any cheese in it. 

That is precisely what happened to one unsuspecting shopper when they opened their cheese sandwich only to find that the stingy company responsible for selling the sandwich could not be bothered to put hardly any cheese in it!

The image was shared on the ‘Rate My Refs’ Facebook page that highlights what we are like to eat during our well-earned breaks. 

But imagine how stingy a food company must be to only put such a tiny amount of cheese in a so-called ‘cheese sandwich’. 

We have been trying to work out who made and sold this culinary insult, but so far, we have been unsuccessful. 

If you recognise the branding, then let us know in the comments below. 

This is just another prime example of us being shafted by big corporations so that the owners of such corporations can feast on their profits, whilst we are expected to be satisfied by this sort of sub-standard penny-pinching crap.

We are being treated like mugsCLICK HERE to follow ‘Rate My Refs’ on Facebook. 

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Spotted! UK Police Filmed Recording Much-Anticipated Jerusalema Video!

If you are not already familiar with the emergency services version of the ‘Jerusalema Challenge’, it was first started by the Swiss Police (as far as we are aware). 

They put together a fantastic video of their officers busting out some moves for the catchy track. I will admit that I have watched it, shall we say, more than once…

Shortly after the Swiss Police shared their video and it gained worldwide POSITIVE coverage, the Garda stepped up to the challenge and released their take on the video. And it also did really well.

The Swiss Police recorded a fantastic video for the Jerusalema Challenge

If you haven’t seen the videos mentioned above, then a quick search on YouTube will reveal the videos in question. 

I quite liked the videos, as did the hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of other people around the world who saw and shared them. 

When the Swiss Police and the Garda released their Jerusalema Challenge videos , we asked if it would be long before the UK emergency services did a similar video?

We knew that they would be put off because, in part, of the trolling they would be subjected to by some (boring) parts of the mainstream media, echoed by the legions of professional moaners and whingers who we often find in this country.

The Garda also stepped up and recorded a video (that also went viral)

But judging by the video which one of our followers sent to us, it looks like our question has just been answered. 

In the video (that will be shared in the next issue of our subscriber-only newsletter; the aptly named ‘S__ts & Giggles’), some cops can be seen choreographing the tell-tale moves that come with the unofficial Jerusalema dance routine. 

So, hopefully, it won’t be long until the UK version of the Jerusalema challenge is shared on social media! 

We will share the video that was sent in to us in the next issue of Shits & Giggles (subscribe now by clicking HERE).

We are choosing not to share the footage sent to us here, in this article, because we know just how many professional moaners and whingers there are out there who might try and stop the video from being released. 

Instead, we will share the footage – that was filmed by someone who just happened to be walking by as the production was being filmed – in the next issue, our £1-per-month newsletter (sign up by clicking HERE). 

After everything that has happened over the last 14 months, it is great to see some emergency workers letting off some steam. 

And if any professional moaners are reading this, before you try to initiate a morale failure, just remember that the officers were rehearsing this routine during their well-earned break (yes, that’s right; emergency workers are entitled to breaks too). 

And, yes, if an emergency call would have come in, then the officers would have responded to it. 

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This Cop Wants To Know The What The Cake Fine Is For Rousing Trumpton?

A Metropolitan Police officer has enquired about the most suitable cake fine that should be paid after getting several LFB fire engines out on a false alarm. 

The officer had been patrolling around London’s streets when he noticed some ‘smoke’ coming from a block of flats. 

As the officer and his oppo got closer to the smoke source, they still could not be 100% sure where it was coming from, so they radioed it into their control room. 

Control room staff sent over the CAD message to the London Fire Brigade, who sent at least three fire engines to the scene. 

However, it soon transpired that the ‘smoke’ was a cloud of condensation emitted from a ‘faulty’ generator. 

In a tweet, the officer said:

‘Whilst on patrol, thought could see smoke coming from a block of high-rise flats. 

‘Getting closer we were still not certain so called @LondonFire triggering a large response. 

‘No fire but likely a faulty generator. Cakes? #Sorry #Team999’

As one twitter user pointed out; ‘Preservation of life/property supersedes a cake fine imo’ – and this Twitter user has a point. 

But if a cake fine does apply, what do you think the appropriate cake payment should be? 

Let us know in the comments below!

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WATCH | Jag Driver Almost Collides With The Police After Cutting Them Up On A Roundabout

When you are casually making your way around a roundabout, the last thing you expect to happen is for someone to come shooting across your lane. 

When this happens to most of us, we end up swearing at the incompetent driver who has almost just taken the front of our vehicle off. 

We get angry because, to most of us, our cars are our pride-and-joy. They are our cocoons of mobile personal space and we are very protective over them.

But when this happens to a police officer (scroll down for video), who is driving a marked police vehicle, then not only does the careless driver get ‘spoken to’, but they also get reported for, in this case, driving without due care and attention. 

The driver of the Jag almost collides with the front of the police car.

Surrey Road Cops have shared some dashcam footage of the moment when the driver of a Jag aka ‘tank’ almost took out the front of their police vehicle on the Reigate Hill Intersection.

If this happens to you, and you have a dashcam, then remember to contact your local force to see if they have a web portal that allows you to upload footage of the numerous dodgy drivers out there. 

It isn’t long before the driver is having words with the officers.

If something similar happens to you as you drive through Surrey, then Surrey Police have just such a portal. You can access it HERE.

You can buy dashcams from Amazon starting from as little as 26.99

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Transport Cops Investigating After Male Poops On Ramp Bridge ‘Less Than 10 Metres Away From Toilets’

British Transport Police officers from Cambridgeshire and Peterborough have launched an investigation after railway staff reported that a male dropped a ‘brown cable’ on a ramp bridge at Peterborough Railway Station. 

Apparently, the male decided to have a s**t on the floor less than ten metres away from where the public toilets were located. 

A spokesperson for @BTPCambsPeterB tweeted to say:

‘We are investigating an incident at Peterborough railway station where a male was seen to have a poo on the ramp bridge less than 10 meters away from the toilets. 

‘Not only is this not nice for those who had no choice but to see it but also for the cleaners having to clean it up’.

Replying to the tweet, one social media user said:

‘It’s as if some people in our civilized society haven’t made it from the cave men ages’.

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WATCH | Land Rover Driver Rescues Police Vehicle From Incoming Tide

Does anybody know what the cake fine is for having to be rescued by a member of the public after getting your police vehicle stuck in a deep channel on the beach as the tide is coming in?

I only ask because that is precisely what happened to this poor police officer on Downhill Beach earlier today.

The ten-second clip shows the moment when the Land Rover Discovery quickly pulls the police pick-up truck out of the water, much to the delight of the spectators on the beach.

Re the cakes; what are we talking? Krispy Kreme’s? An entire Mr Kipling factory’s worth of stock?

Let us know what you think in the comments below.

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