Author Archives: John Johnson

Three Essential Tips For Safe Sex During The Pandemic

If you live with your partner, then you probably don’t give much thought when it comes to thinking about how you are going to have sex during the pandemic. 

But what about if you don’t live with your partner or if you are lucky to meet someone when you venture out to the shops or your local pub? 

Well, fear not, my friends, because the Terrence Higgins Trust has just published some handy advice for couples who are looking to get physical during the pandemic. 

The first thing they say is to avoid kissing (each others lips – of the mouth kind). Which is a bit of a letdown, as we all like a decent kiss, right? 

The second thing they advise is to wear a face-covering – although this could be a bit of a mood killer, especially if you are wearing a paper mask. 

If you are already into wearing masks during your ‘downtime’, then you are in luck. Although, the chances of your ‘pleasure’ mask meeting the required health and safety standards could be slim. 

The third thing they advise is to make sure that you choose positions that are not face-to-face during sex. 

So if you only usually get involved in the missionary position with your partner, then you are going to have to use your imagination or maybe buy a book with loads of different sex position ideas in it. 

If you are having sex with people outside of your household, then the Trust has said that it’s essential to limit your number of partners.

With all that in mind, enjoy!!! 

By the way, if you do need some inspiration when it comes to trying out some different positions, then we have found ‘Kama Sutra: A Position A Day’ available on Amazon for only 7.37

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Male Confuses ATM Finger Protection With Condoms

We have become used to wearing our facemasks and carrying around gallons of hand sanitiser with us when we go out, but what happens if you run out of the latter? 

If we forget to bring our facemask with us when we leave home, then we can probably knock up an alternative in a relatively short period of time. 

But if we leave home without any hand sanitiser and we aren’t willing to pay extortionate amounts of money for latex gloves, then how can we protect ourselves when using everyday ‘things’ like ATM’s? 

Well, one bank thought about this problem and so decided to hand out tiny little ‘finger protectors’ which you can slip onto your boney digits before using a cash machine. 

But when they handed a pack of them out to a customer, he thought, for some reason, that the bank employee was giving him some tiny condoms! 

Apparently, the male told the bank staff: ‘Oh, I need a much bigger one than this’ to which the bank employee said: ‘no sir. It goes on your finger for the ATM’. 

It makes you wonder what the male must have thought was being propositioned by the bank employee. 

Perhaps he was confusing the commercial bank with a sperm bank? 

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BMW Driver Who Challenged Unmarked Police Car To A Race Gets A Hefty Fine

Have you ever been stuck at a set of traffic lights and noticed that someone starts revving their car at you in the hope that you will enter into an illegal street race with them? 

To be honest, it does not happen to me that often as it takes my car about an hour to get up to 60 mph. 

But I have seen it happen quite a bit and, when I do spot this sort of thing when out-and-about, I often think how funny it would be if the boy racer who is hoping for a burn out inadvertently ‘challenges’ an unmarked police car. 

Well, that is precisely what happened to one BMW driver when he pulled up next to a nice looking unmarked police car. 

Of course, the boy racer did not know that it was an unmarked police car which he was challenging. 

But it soon became apparent to him when the blue flashing light lit up his face. 

The ‘you could not make it up’ moment happened to some Surrey-based Roads Policing officers. 

In a tweet, a spokesperson for the unit said:

‘The driver of this car was revving his engine to try and entice our unmarked car into a race. 

‘His dreams fell apart when the blue lights came on and he recieved a section 59 Warning and FPN for his tiny……..number plate’.

What we really liked about this tweet, was the reference to the BMW drivers tiny……..number plate….

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PCSO Spotted Talking To A ‘Giant Testicle’ In The High Street

When you are out pounding the streets, looking for wrong-uns, then you never know what you are going to find. 

The air of uncertainty always ensures that you keep your eyes peeled and your ears fully tuned in to your surroundings.

And one Police Community Support Officer (PCSO) no doubt got more than she had even bargained for when she spotted a giant gonad walking along the high street.

Of course, it wasn’t a real testicle because that would just be odd; the sort of ‘odd’ that the FBI/NCA would need to investigate. 

Instead, it was a charity worker who wanted to catch peoples attention by dressing up as, well, some testicles. 

You would have thought that he would have at least shaved before heading out and parading his ‘short and curlies’. 

We aren’t sure if the PCSO is writing him a ticket, asking for an autograph, signing him a song or drawing him, like one of his french girls. 

Either way, we are confident that there was a happy ending……

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Sophie Khan Is Blocking Police Twitter Accounts In Their Droves…And Here’s Why

As we were monitoring the thousands of tweets which are published each second on the popular platform, we noticed that quite a few ‘job’ accounts were reporting that ‘anti-taser’ solicitor Sophie Khan was blocking them.

Upon closer inspection, it appeared that a ‘twitter storm’ had erupted over, what can only be described as an inflammatory tweet, was published by Ms Khan regarding the tragic death of hero PC Andrew Harper. 

The young police officer was dragged to his death by three prolific thieves who had decided to steal a £10,000 quad bike off of a hard-working member of the public. 

PC Harper’s three killers were recently convicted of manslaughter after the hero police officer was dragged for 1.4 miles at an average speed of 42.5 mph behind a car that was being driven by career criminal Henry Long.

PC Harper paid the ultimate sacrifice when he tried to stop callous thieves who had just robbed someone while being armed with a variety of different weapons. 

The heartbreaking story of his death touched the nation. He laid down his life as he tried to bring evil individuals to justice. 

A petition that has been signed by over 350,000 people has called for a much stricter sentence to be handed down to each of the officer’s killers and his brave and loving family have started up a campaign called ‘Andrew’s Law’.

The purpose of ‘Andrew’s Law’ is to ensure that anyone who is convicted of killing a member of the emergency services spends ‘life’ behind bars without any ‘discounts’ being applied to their sentences.

The popular campaign is being supported by thousands of decent mind people who understand the true evil that was responsible for PC Harper’s death. 

But Ms Khan caused a storm when she tweeted:

‘It is wrong of PC Andrew Harper’s family to say they have faced injustice.

‘The boys [they were actually adults] have been tried and have received severe sentences for manslaughter. 

‘It is the family of Frank Ogboru who has faced injustice.

‘Mr Ogboru died during police retrainst in 2006’. 

Ms Khan’s tweet has caused a ‘twitter storm’

Members of the police family, and their supporters, felt incensed by the perceived insensitivity of Ms Khan and tweeted her to show their disdain following her remarks. 

But most of them found that Ms Khan blocked them after they shared their thoughts with her.

The Attorney General is currently reviewing the sentences which were handed down to the three men who dragged PC Harper to his death. 

If you would like to follow the progress of ‘Andrew’s Law’ then you can follow the official account on Twitter and on Facebook

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Police Rescue Sad Looking ‘Bear’ Dumped On A Busy Road

Have you ever been driving along on a busy road and thought that you had just spotted what appeared to be some sort of non-native animal? 

For example, a lion, a cheetah or even maybe a bear? 

Motorists in Essex this afternoon had just that experience when they noticed a ‘bear’ sat stationary in the middle of the road. 

Essex Police received numerous calls from concerned motorists who were quite clearly worried about the condition of the ‘bear’ and the distraction that it might cause to other motorists. 

Thankfully, Essex Polices’ Roads Policing Unit was nearby and on hand to rescue the troubled bear from the middle of the road, and now they are trying to trace its keeper. 

In a post shared on Twitter, a spokesperson for the unit said: 

‘Numerous calls for this poor bear left stranded in the middle of the A13. 

‘We have rescued him with minor injuries to his face. Who does he belong to? 

‘#WhatIsHisName’.

Somebody somewhere is missing their bear. And, by the looks of it, this bear is missing his/her human family..,

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Could This Be The Cutest Parent-Child T-Shirt Combo?

Trying to find a funny and original t-shirt combo for you and your little ones can be quite hard; assuming, of course, that you are into that sort of fashion statement. 

I have got two ‘mini-me’s’, and I am relatively confident that I won’t be donning a ‘parent/off-spring’ fashion statement anytime soon, just because it makes me cringe, albeit, just a little bit. 

But I will admit that this ‘pizza’ t-shirt did make me smile. 

After all, our kids are the slices of our ‘life pizza‘ that we love just as much as pizza itself. 

And we also thought that this t-shirt combo could be used by ‘bff’ work colleagues who just do not feel complete without their work chum. 

The next time you go to some sort of work event, you and your work BFF could wear this t-shirt combo, just to show your colleagues how much you love each other. 

Although, unless they do the combo in an adult-to-adult version, then your colleague might not fit in their baby ‘pizza’ t-shirt…

But the good news is that you can buy them on Amazon! 

BEST REVIEW: I love this! Probably one of the best things I’ve ever bought! My partner thought it was great too. Had so many lovely comments from family members about it as well. Money well spent! Came faster than expected too. Thank you so much! – Beki

Buy it from Amazon for 26.95

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If You Leave Your Dog In A Hot Car Then You Are An Idiot

Here at our social media monitoring HQ, we are seeing loads of posts being shared, reminding dog owners not to leave their beloved pet in a hot baking car. 

And we also see tweets from some police social media accounts which point out that you will probably come back to your car to find that your windows have been smashed if you are silly enough to leave your dog locked up in this heat. 

But surely, if you have to be reminded not to leave your dog in what would effectively be an oven, then you do not deserve to own a dog in the first place? 

Anyone with an ounce of common sense knows that the last thing a dog needs is to be locked in a hot vehicle in the middle of summer. Not just a dog, but any animal that you just happen to have in your car.

Would you like it if someone did it to you?! Of course, you wouldn’t. 

If your dog gets hot and you aren’t lucky enough to have a cooling vest with you that is made specifically for dogs, then take your dog home and give it some water. 

Don’t leave the dog locked in your car with your windows done up because it will probably die! 

I am always on the lookout for dogs which have been locked inside someone’s vehicle during the summer months because I know that the law will **probably** be on my side if I have to smash a car window to save a dog’s life. 

Of course, if you do see an animal in distress then you must always call the police via their non-emergency number or the RSPCA before taking any action yourself. 

But if the police/RSPCA are busy, then I, for one, would not stand by and watch a dog suffer. Would you? Let us know in the comments below!

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Kitten Rescued From Cruel ‘Glue Trap’

An RSPCA Inspector has decided to foster a little kitten who had become stuck on a glue trap at a farm in Norfolk. 

The tiny ginger kitten, who has been called ‘Rodney’, was found stuck on a glue trap at a farm in Norfolk. The farmer who found the kitten ended up being able to free it from the sticky trap. 

He then contacted the RPSCA who sent an Inspector round to assess the condition of the kitten. 

Once the kitten had been given the once-over, Inspector Emily Astillberry took him to Companion Care Longwater branch in Norwich. 

Veterinary staff then started the long and complicated process of removing all of the glue from his fur. 

Emily said:

‘This poor boy was most likely a feral cat and only about five weeks old so really too young to be without his mum. He was thin and lethargic and clearly distressed by what had happened to him.

‘The staff at the vets were amazing and spent all day gently washing and shaving away his glued fur. He had been stuck on the trap on his left-hand side, and his left ear and tail had taken the brunt of the sticky damage.

‘We named him Rodney, and I’m currently caring for him with my family. He’s such a lovely boy and has certainly bounced back now, following his ordeal.

‘Glue traps are extremely cruel and cause unnecessary suffering to animals caught in them, whether they are the target species, like rats or mice, or a beloved pet or wild animal. Animals caught in glue traps, in attempting to get free, may rip out patches of fur or feathers, break bones and even gnaw through their own limbs to escape, which is just awful. 

‘Luckily Rodney didn’t have any lasting injuries – but had he not been found he could have suffered a very long and painful death’.

Rodney will remain with Emily and her family until he is old enough to be rehomed by the RSPCA.

There were 243 glue trap incidents reported to the RSPCA’s cruelty line in the last five years (2015-2019) involving animals including cats, garden birds, hedgehogs, squirrels and even a parrot.

Glue traps, also known as ‘glue boards’ or ‘sticky boards’, consist of a sheet of plastic, cardboard or wood coated with a non-drying adhesive designed to trap rodents such as mice and rats as they cross the board. 

The RSPCA opposes the manufacture, sale and use of glue-traps because of the unnecessary suffering they cause to animals. 

They are also wholly indiscriminate in which animals they trap, so they pose a danger not only to the rodents they are intended to catch but to pets and other wildlife too.

In the last five years, the RSPCA received 243 reports involving glue traps, and less than 27% of animals involved in these incidents were rodents. A whopping 73% of incidents involved pets and wildlife.

Emma Horton, the RSPCA’s scientific officer, said:

‘The harsh reality is that if trapped animals are left unattended, they will die slowly from dehydration, starvation or exhaustion. 

‘Unfortunately, despite all of this, the use of glue traps is not illegal, and there is currently no prospect for legislation to ban them. 

‘However, the RSPCA urges people never to use glue traps, and to opt for humane deterrence of rats and mice, which is often the only long-term solution for rodent control. 

‘Essential measures include limiting food availability, rodent-proof food containers and bins, decluttering, keeping storage areas tidy and blocking access holes using sealant or mouse mesh’.

The figures from the last five years show that the RSPCA received 13 reports in which cats had become stuck to a glue trap and seven incidents involving exotic pet snakes, as well as other cases involving dogs, pigeons, owls, ferrets and even a parrot. 

Victims of these traps have suffered horrendous injuries, many of which have been fatal. 

Emma added:

‘Despite a code of practice which states that the distributors of these traps should not supply them to people who are not properly trained to use them, this is having little effect as these traps are still openly available to the public through hardware stores, garden centres and other retailers. 

‘The instructions accompanying the traps are often inadequate or poorly written too’.

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WATCH | Dog Walking On Two Legs Takes Owner Out For A Stroll

We all know that dogs are intelligent. Not only are they bright, but they are reasonably agile when it comes to jumping around. 

And now a video has been shared on social media of a brown and white dog that appears to be taking its owner for a walk, rather than the other way around. 

The dog can be seen ‘walking’ on its two legs as its human comrade attempts to try and keep up with her. 

It is almost as if the dog is jogging on its back legs. 

The video was uploaded to TikTok and was recorded by someone who was sat in their vehicle when the dog-human-duo ran by. 

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