Author Archives: John Johnson

‘Weren’t You The Ones Who Just Bought All The Sodding Beans? You selfish gits!’ – The Stockpiler Song!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified, 

There was no loo roll down at Aldi, and I nearly cried. 

Oh, I spent so many nights just thinking how you did me wrong, 

I used to wipe, and now I’m forced to just drip dry!

No anti-bac

No bloody soap

and if you think you’re buying pasta well, you’ve got no bloody hope!

I would have bought that box of eggs; I would have rationed out my bread,

If I’d have known for just one second, everyone would lose their head!

Go on now go, walk out the door!

All you bloody stockpilers, 

You are not welcome any more! 

Weren’t you the ones who just bought all the sodding beans? 

You selfish gits!

I hope you spill them down your jeans!

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!

Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,

Though I can’t buy my usual cheese,

This will not bring me to my knees

And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey!

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,

There was just apples and one carrot in my shopping cart,

And I spent hours walking around just feeling sorry for myself,

The empty store, with boxes strewn across the floor

And you’ll see me, somebody who, 

Cannot buy anything she came for, and it’s all down to fecking you.

And frickin Reg from down the road is such a selfish blimmin git.

Because he stockpiled all the loo roll so nobody else can have a s@*t!

Go on now go, walk out the door!

All you bloody stockpilers, 

You are not welcome any more! 

Weren’t you ones who just bought all the sodding cakes

Can’t you make a crumble,

Do you people not know how to bake?

Oh no not I, I won’t panic buy!

Oh as long as I have alcohol, I know I’ll stay alive,

Though I can’t buy my usual cheese

This will not bring me to my knees

And I’ll survive, I will survive !!

House Of Lords Approves Bill That Prevents UK From Importing Meat From Countries With Lower Welfare Standards

Thanks to campaigning from well-known animal charities such as the RSPCA, tens of thousands of people ended up signing a petition intended to stop lower animal welfare imports from entering the UK. 

And now the House of Lords has voted to add a new section into the Agriculture Bill which says that the UK Government must not sign trade agreements which undermine our strict animal welfare standards by allowing lower welfare products into the UK. 

Animal welfare charities are now hoping that when the Bill is passed back to the House of Commons that MPs will now keep the section. 

A spokesperson for the RSPCA said:

‘Despite the Government repeatedly saying that this is their position too, they’ll ask MPs to vote against this. We must keep the Bill as it stands”. 

Most of the news coverage relating to the Bill has focused on the imports of heavily chlorinated chicken and hormone-injected beef cattle. 

Various campaign groups have said that there is not enough evidence to prove that ingesting meats which have been washed with chlorine and which have been injected with artificial hormones does not adversely affect the human body. 

And now the RSPCA has pointed out that what is also of significant concern, is the farming systems which these animals are raised and slaughtered in. 

Countries such as the US have far lower standards than the UK and have lower welfare systems that are actually banned in the UK. 

These include barren battery cages for hens and sow stalls for pigs which severely compromise animal welfare standards. 

A spokesperson for the RSPCA added:

“It’s vital that the UK government safeguards our animal welfare standards in future trade deals, we cannot risk lower welfare, cheaper-to-produce products entering the UK market.

“This could mean a race to the bottom for animal welfare and undercutting farmers in the UK at a time when we should be striving for properly funded, higher animal welfare practices which go beyond legal requirements.

“And, it’s not just about the USA, many other countries we’ll be negotiating with will have lower standards than the UK too”.

Man Sculpts ‘F**k You’ On Dogs Back To Convince People To Social Distance

Encouraging people to keep two metres away from you can be hard work. After all, you are probably not going to keep saying to randoms that they have infiltrated your two-metre bubble. Otherwise, you would probably end up in some sort of argument at least 50 times a day. 

This is one of the reasons why wearing a face covering is so important. A face covering can give you some defence against the virus, and some protection is undoubtedly better than no defence at all, right? 

And then when you combine the fact that you are wearing your face covering with the fact that you are continually using hand sanitiser gel then, hopefully, your chances of getting the virus will be reduced. 

But what if people still invade your personal space? How can you get across your message in an effective passive-aggressive way that leaves the person who is invading your personal space in little doubt as to how you feel? 

This dog owner clearly wants people to stay away.

Well, one dog owner has put a no-nonsense message on their dogs back, which leaves people in little doubt as to what they should be doing when the dog owner (and his dog) are around. 

The words ‘f**k u’ should convey to the general public that this person really does not want anyone near him. But you will probably need some great barbering skills and a decent set of clippers in order to replicate this public service announcement.

Civilian Gets ‘Airborne’ Tattoo, And His Wife Now Reckons He’s ‘Basically Airborne’ And That She Is A ‘Military Wife’

There are a few qualities which you need before you embark upon a career in the military. It would help if you were brave as well as be willing to work as part of a team. You also need to be fit and be willing to take commands from your superiors. 

I talk from experience as I had the privilege and honour of serving in the military from the tender age of 16 to 21. I enjoyed my time spent in the armed forces and would highly recommend a career in the military to anyone who is thinking of joining up. 

But, of course, there are the individuals out there who like the idea of serving in the armed forces but, for whatever reason, decide not to take the leap of faith by signing on the dotted line. 

But one guy who loved the idea of joining the forces, but never actually did, decided to get an ‘airborne’ tattoo on his neck. It is weird when a civilian gets a regimental tattoo despite having never served. Some people in the veteran community call it ‘stolen valour’. 

It is usual for civilians to grab some military memorabilia to show their support for and of the armed forces, but getting a regimental tattoo – despite having never served – is just odd. 

And it is even weirder when your wife tells you to get the tattoo and then creates a post on social media telling the world that, just because you have the tattoo and you like the idea of serving, then you are just as good as someone who serves and that she is now a ‘military wife’.

In the post, the confused spouse said:

‘Well, my hubby and I are engaged but not married, but basically, I am an army wife. He hasn’t enlisted but has been thinking about joining the military. 

‘He loves airborne, so I suggested that he get a tattoo of it on his neck. I know he never went to the school, but he’s basically airborne in his heart. 

‘So proud of my hubby for getting an airborne tattoo based off my suggestion! He Doesn’t need to enlist! It’s how he feels’. 

The bit that gets me is the: ‘he doesn’t need to enlist! It’s how he feels!’. 

No! It isn’t! If he wants to get the airborne tattoo and thus give everyone the impression that he has served, then he needs to get off his arse and sign up! 

You can’t just get a tattoo of a regimental badge and then claim that, just because you like the idea of serving and just because you have now got the tattoo, then you are as good as anyone who has gone through the process! 

What is the world coming to!? Let me know what you think in the comments below. 

‘Dozens’ More Afghan Interpreters Who Risked Their Lives Supporting British Troops Begin New Lives In The UK

Dozens more Afghan interpreters who risked theirs and their families lives as they supported British Armed Forces on the frontline in Helmand Province will be able to move to the UK as part of an expanded relocation scheme announced by Defence Secretary Ben Wallace and Home Secretary Priti Patel.

Afghan civilians did a vital job as interpreters for British forces on the frontline in Helmand from May 2006 – December 2014, often serving alongside soldiers in perilous situations.

They were often the ‘eyes and ears’ of British forces, and their linguistic and cultural expertise enabled the UK to work hand-in-hand with its Afghan partners and local communities while protecting British troops.

The Ex-Gratia Scheme was initially set up in June 2013 to recognise the Government’s ‘huge debt of gratitude’ for their service. 

Under the scheme, interpreters could choose to either relocate to the UK, receive five years of training and a monthly stipend or receive the equivalent of 18 months’ salary.

Through the scheme, 445 former staff and their families have chosen to relocate to the UK, meaning a total of 1,319 Afghan interpreters and their families have already been supported as they create new lives in the UK.

The new changes will significantly expand the eligibility criteria for former interpreters to apply for the relocation offer. 

Until now, former employees must have been made redundant on or after 01 May 2006 with 12 months or more service ‘outside the wire’ on the frontline.

The announcement made earlier this week will allow an additional cohort of interpreters – those who resigned on or after 01 May 2006 after serving a minimum of 18 months on the frontline – to apply for relocation.

Their spouses and children will also benefit from the expanded scheme.

Home Secretary Priti Patel said:

‘Courageous Afghans worked side by side with our Armed Forces to defeat terrorism, risking their own lives in the pursuit of peace.

‘In recognition of their dedication, today, we are fulfilling our promise and have expanded the relocation scheme so that more brave Afghans and their families can come and build a new life in the UK.”

The Defence Secretary and Home Secretary visited Stanford Training Area in Norfolk this week to observe Afghan nationals training British troops before their Op TORAL deployment, which sees British troops train and mentor Afghan forces and provide force protection for NATO advisors with the Kabul Security Force.

Afghan nationals routinely support the training that troops undertake to provide an element of realism – performing the roles of interpreters, leading politicians and members of the public.

Defence Secretary Ben Wallace said:

“Our efforts in Afghanistan simply could not have been possible without the help of brave interpreters who risked their lives to work alongside our personnel throughout the conflict.

“They did not leave us behind then, and we will not leave them behind now. It is crucial there is a fair system in place to support those who want to relocate to the UK, and that is why we are going even further to make sure more individuals have the opportunity to apply for relocation.

“The Home Office and Defence will always work together to address policy issues and promote British values”.

The changes to the scheme will be made through secondary legislation in October and be implemented shortly afterwards.

Police In Australia Issue Ticket To Driver Who Had A Goat On His Lap

As you drive around, I am sure you have got used to seeing your fellow drivers meander through the streets with some odd things in their car. If they cannot fit it on the inside of their car, then you can be rest assured that they will try and strap it to their roof. 

Anything from mattresses to huge cupboards can often be spotted hap-hazardously being strapped to a car as the driver barely manages to keep control of their vehicle because their view becomes obscured by whatever it is they are trying to transport. Massive TV’s are also a favourite when it comes to trying to fit massive objects into small vehicles.

But when officers in Western Australia saw a driver with a goat on his lap, then I bet even they had a double-take at the sight that beheld them. I guess that putting the goat on your lap is still better (for the goat) than strapping the animal to the roof of the car, but you would have thought that the driver would have come up with a better way of transporting the animal. 

A post shared on the Western Australia Police Force Facebook page shared an image of the ticket that had been dished out to the driver. Along with the picture was the caption ‘you’ve goat to be kidding…’ The details of the offence were: ‘Drive motor vehicle with goat on lap’. 

Image credit: Facebook

The ticket cost the driver a cool $100 AUS, which is an expensive way to transport your goat to wherever it is that goats needs to be transported to. 

One follower pointed out: ‘I see people driving with dogs on their laps all the time. Hope they get fined too. So stupid and unsafe. Worse than being on your phone’. 

Thankfully, there is a solution (to transporting dogs in the car), and it can be found in the form of a dog harness made especially for your vehicle. You can buy them on Amazon from around 12.99 (we aren’t sure if they can be used to transport goats…)

How To Stop Your Glasses Steaming Up With A Face Mask On

The main issue I have with wearing my mask is that I am always having to battle with the fact that my glasses are continually fogging up, meaning that I literally cannot see where I am going or what I am doing. 

I am relatively lucky in that I only have to wear my glasses when it is dark, so that means that don’t have to wear them when I am down the shops stocking up on toilet paper and other essential items such as a new wardrobe for autumn.

But for many people who wear glasses, then the battle is real when it comes to the endless misty view which comes with having to wear glasses whilst at the same time also having to wear your mask. 

So we have scanned the internet and have come up with the following three tips which should help to prevent your glasses from fogging up every time you have to put your face mask on. 

Tip #1 – The Tuck Method

For this to work, you have to make sure that your glasses are not behind your face mask, i.e. you have to ensure that you push the top of the mask around your nose and then you place your glasses on the outside of your mask. 

Tip #2 – The Tissue Method 

Tape some tissue inside the top of the mask in order to catch the moisture. The tissue will then capture the condensation that is generated when you breathe out – especially when the outside temperature is cold. For this method to work, it is best to roll up the tissue and then fix it to the inside of the top of your mask. Make sure that the tissue covers the width of the face mask. 

Tip #3 – The Soap Method

For this to work, then you will need to wash your glasses in warm soapy water. This will leave a thin anti-mist layer on the lenses. This layer will be enough to stop your glasses from fogging up whilst wearing your face mask, for as long as the thin layer of soap remains on the lens. 

Tip #4 – Buy Some Anti-Mist Spray

I am used to having to use anti-mist spray on the visor on my motorbike helmet, and I have found, from experience, that this works just as well on my glasses too. You can buy some decent anti-mist spray on Amazon

So there we have it! Our top four tips on how to stop your glasses from fogging up whilst you are wearing your face mask. Try these methods out and let us know how you get on by leaving a comment in the comments section below. 

Bizarre Crowdfunding Campaign Raises USD 90k For A ‘F**k COVID-19’ Commemorative Coin

An online crowdfunding campaign has raised nearly USD 90k for a ‘F__k COVID-19’ commemorative coin with the aim of using the money to bring the silver coin into production. 

According to the page behind the campaign, the front of the coin will have a picture of a person wearing a gas mask on it accompanied with the words: ‘f**k COVID-19’ and ‘Coronavirus’. 

On the rear of the coin will be a picture of some toilet paper, a syringe and a thermometer as well as a face mask. Accompanying the images on the back of the coin will be the words: ‘I survived Coronavirus 2020’. 

The original goal for the amount of money to be raised for the campaign was $5,000. However, 1,618 people pledged $89,736 towards the coin with most of the donations being received within 24 hours of the campaign being launched.

The project was launched by a group calling itself: ‘zero f**ks given’ who have since closed the funding round. 

On their crowdfunding page, a spokesperson for the group said: 

‘A commemorative coin to celebrate surviving this stupid f**kin’ pandemic & these crazy f**kin’ times! F**K COVID-19! (Large 39mm, 1oz.)’.

However, the people behind this bizarre campaign are not the first to launch a so-called ‘commemorative coin’. 

A so-called ‘commemorative coin’ that you can get on Amazon.com

You can also currently buy a ‘CORONAVIRUS Covid 19 Panda Silver Coin’ on Amazon which will set you back £131.95.

And, as you would expect, there are various other ‘novelty’ items which you can buy on Amazon which range from ‘funny’ t-shirts to novelty masks. 

Some of the bizarre things we found being sold on Amazon. Check them out by clicking HERE

CLICK HERE to check out some of the weird and wacky things we found on Amazon.

WATCH | This Is Why You Should Never Ride Through Roadworks

As a keen motorcyclist myself, then I know just how many perks there are when it comes to darting along the road on two wheels rather than four. Top of the list of these ‘perks’ is the fact that you do not have to sit in stationary traffic. 

Of course, you always get ‘that’ motorist who cannot handle the fact that being on two wheels means that you can slip between the traffic rather than having to spend your precious hours sat in mind-numbingly-boring gridlock traffic. So you always have to be on the look-out for people intentionally trying to knock you off of your bikes as you make steady progress through miles and miles of traffic.

Riding a bike through traffic is great in the cool weather, but when it is swelteringly hot and you are moving at a slow pace whilst wearing your motorcycle helmet gloves and heavy jacket then you sometimes do wish that you were sat in a nice cool air-conditioned car, even if that car isn’t going anywhere because it is stuck in traffic! 

Another ‘perk’ that comes with being on two wheels rather than four, is the fact that you can slip through tiny gaps which you would have no hope of getting through if you were in a car. I am talking here about the sort of gap that is created by road signs and bollards which are there to stop traffic from passing a particular area. 

A prime example of this is the road furniture, signs and bollards which are put on the road to stop cars from driving over newly poured wet concrete. 

In the video below, one motorcyclist got a bit stuck after he/she decided to slip through the gap of some bollards which had been put on the road to keep motorists away from a fresh patch of wet, sticky concrete. And, as you would expect, loads of people were on hand to film the encounter. 

After the motorcyclist became stuck in the wet concrete, only one person (probably a fellow biker) from the construction crew who were on the scene, tried to help the stricken biker. For 50 seconds, the person filming the incident captures the awkward attempts of the motorcyclist as he tried to free his bike from the sticky, quick-drying cement

I bet he spent the next eight months meticulously cleaning the bike in an attempt to try and get all of that nasty dirt of his beautiful machine. He must have gone through at least 50 motorbike cleaning kits!

There’s A Reason Why Your Mate Always Farts When You Go Climbing Together

Have you ever been in a situation where you and your friend, colleague or family member decide to go for a walk up a steep hill only to be overcome by a sudden rush of butt wind? If you enjoy the great outdoors, then you will probably have some experience of this. 

Or maybe you work in a job that requires you to ascend to a great height suddenly, and you have always wondered why your backside starts to chirp like a canary. 

If you are a keen camper, then you probably also have some experience of this windy issue, and you might have been left wondering what the problem might be. 

Well, this fluctuance often occurs when climbing or ascending to high altitudes owing to a rapid drop in atmospheric pressure. 

So really, you won’t have any control over how much wind you let lose because it is all down to atmospherics. So next time you and your friends go for a climb, then you can blame your wind issue on atmospherics.  

At least now you won’t have to keep blaming the noises on those pesky Rocky Mountain Barking Spiders. 

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